Tuesday, May 8, 2012

How to Survive a Zombie Attack

It's bizarre to think that los of us take this issue quite seriously. We've been fed so much from films about zombies and viruses that spread around, taking people over. I think it's all gone to our heads a bit, and we think it's a genuine threat.

So much so, that I have even created a survival guide, based on how people manage to survive in the films. Whether you really take this advice... well I'll leave it to you to decide whether you really want to take heed - maybe print it out and keep it in your pocket?


Do keep a TV on to help you assess the situation. Many seem to find it prudent to turn off the TV in the middle of a broadcast in order to have a moment's silence to absorb the information. They're insane! Knowledge is power, so keep the television on, assuming a zombie connected disaster hasn't taken out the national grid.

Do keep a weapon with you at all times. Presuming you don't own a gun, some of the best ones to go for are metal poles with a makeshift pointy end. Nice and sturdy, and helps keep you at some distance from the disease ridden zombies. Curtain poles are perfect.

Do remember this: "remove the head or destroy the brain". This is the only way to kill zombies properly, so if you're with other people, try and form a team with specialised methods. You can poke the zombie around with the curtain pole to slow him down a bit, and someone else can have a sledge hammer to bash his head in. If they're still not eliminated, someone else can deal with chopping the head off with an axe. Simples!

Do keep a survival rucksack with you at all times, with some long-life food, and don't ever take it off to have a 'wander round'.

Do stick together with the group you're with, and never 'split up' to find something. If you encounter another group of people, take great care. Try and observe them from a distance to assess if they're trustworthy.


Have you barricaded yourself into a room with boards nailed to doors and windows so the zombies can't get to you? Well for god's sake, DON'T put your head next to a gap in the boards. After a tense moment or two, a zombie hand will emerge at alarming speed and they will manage to somehow break through and eat you alive.

Don't even think about looking outside through the gaps, or you will get infected blood splattered onto your eyeballs.

Don't blindly take government advice, which could actually lead to disaster. How do you know that the government isn't corrupt and actually wants you dead, by giving you instructions that lead you to danger?

Don't talk loudly. You're supposed to be QUIET so that zombies won't know you're there, so for the love of god, keep your voice down!

Don't let people endanger you. If someone's kicking off and endangering the safety of the group, you'll have to take the situation into your own hands and take them down.

Dealing with zombies is a dangerous business and you should think through your own personalised plan to survive an attack. How long the attack will last is something else to worry about since you don't know what ruthless ideas the government have to contain the virus. But, if you hang in there, keep up the moral of the group, and don't do stupid things, you should be fine.

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